Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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