What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize