It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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