I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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