I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
