you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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