I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
