Life is so much better after having sex.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
