I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
