thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
