Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
