I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
