The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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