I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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