evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Randomize
