I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
