so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
