I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
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