i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
