I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You ruined the universe
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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