I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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