She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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