We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
