my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
