i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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