My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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