You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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