Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i will never coherently bang her
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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