it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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