A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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