I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
