Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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