I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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