Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
