i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Come see our sink grown plant.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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