she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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