this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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