fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
