no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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