On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
