my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
