i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
