he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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