Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
