i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
