I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
