Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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