all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize