ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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