you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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