I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
