I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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