Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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