just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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