My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
