My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
