I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
