i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
