It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
